I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
