He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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