Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
