I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
