You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
