put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
