I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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