guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
