I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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