I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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