I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
