I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
