You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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