My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
