ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
