Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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