youre lurking in front of me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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