I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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