is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
