After last night, I could never be a politician.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
