It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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