bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
