weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
