I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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