so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
