And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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