Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Randomize
