This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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