Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
