so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
