A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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