long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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