On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
