In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
