Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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