I bet he comes in French.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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