he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
