fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
