I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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