He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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