atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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