So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
