I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
