If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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