There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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