I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.