So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."