Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself