every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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