The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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