she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize