I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
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We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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