i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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