me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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