The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
