I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
