I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
