Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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