I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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