woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?