I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
