I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
