On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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